So I just started posting regularly on Instagram- something I’ve resisted for years.  Something about it just always seemed so inauthentic- the blown-out filtered photos, the snaps of people’s best moments, the lack of text accompanying said pictures, etc.  See, as I’ve approached forty, something crazy has started happening.  I can only do real- meaning my closest relationships have to be honest, vulnerable, and realistic.  I’ve also realized that everyone has hardship, stress, and conflict in their lives.  No one is spared these things, no one.  So when I see people trying to feign perfection, when they refuse to open up to me about the bad times along with the good, when their social media profiles are chock full of all the perfect moments with equally sugary hashtags, I just can’t.  In fact, I get suspicious when I see all that Pleasantville- what crazy are you hiding? Because you’re sure trying hard to appear perfect.

Yeah, Instagram is a great way to stay in contact with family.  And who can resist those easy, convenient Chatbooks that come out of our activity on Instagram? I don’t expect someone to post their dirty toilet, their child mid tantrum, or a selfie in their therapist’s office.  That would be depressing.  It’s good to celebrate the cheerful things in life.  Heaven knows we need to be grateful to help us deal with all the crap- and Instagram is a visual way to do that.  I see that now and have used Instagram to achieve these means myself.

But if you’re my close friend, my person, my confidant, I need more than an Instagram You in real life.  I need you to get real.  Living in a place as beautiful as Southern California, with gorgeous scenery, people, and lifestyle, imperfection can look….well…imperfect in comparison. Sitting in a church where people are truly trying to be their best and are reflecting on how they could improve, it’s easy to look around and feel like everyone’s got it together.  Your crazy, hairy life can look pretty sloppy compared to another member’s fancy Anthropologie dress and teeth-whitened smile.  I’ve been there before.

And then I remember what I’ve learned- we all have stuff.  We all have hard stuff- heartbreaking trials.  We all have times in our life when everything isn’t hunky dory and we’re trying really hard to carry on and remain positive.  Our kids struggle, our spouse struggles, our families of origin have their challenges.  Whatever our individualized battles might be, our commonality is that we all have them.  So can we just stop it?   Can we just stop now with the pursuit of constant perfection?  When a girlfriend is honest with me, when we both look each other in the eye and share our burdens, when we shed a tear for each other because the wounds in our hearts connect, those are the beautiful moments.  Those are the times worth celebrating.  That’s how we’re all going to make it out alive.  That’s how we do this thing called life.  And no filter is required.

So friend- post away with your amazing meal, your blown-out hair, your kid’s touchdown.  But when we’re together, don’t be the Instagram You.  Don’t you dare filter your life to maintain the lie of perfection.  Keep it real, open up.  We’ll both be better for it.  And we’ll both be relieved. Because for one small moment, our hearts and souls will connect.  We’ll both be closer.  We’ll both be strengthened to forge ahead with courage, knowing we’re not alone.  And that’s a thing you just can’t post on Instagram.