We had two whole weeks to spend together as a family- the kids are out of school. Christmas is over. And as we face New Years weekend, the husband was getting antsy to hit the road. He had this intense need to head out to Utah and commune with his brother and his family. And he needed to drive there. There wasn’t any arguing. I could tell this was something he was dead set on, and that he was meeting some greater requisite within. But I’ll be honest, the idea of schlepping 12 hours with four kids (two under age three) did not sound appealing. And rather than argue meaninglessly about it, I volunteered to stay with the one-year-old so he could take the older, ostensibly easier bunch on his trek. He agreed, but was worried. Would I be ok all by myself for five plus days with an infant? Alone in our big house?

Nothing sounded more divine. So here I am, New Years Eve, snuggled under my down comforter and finally able to write- something my inner self has been nagging me to do. It’s been awhile.

As I reflect on the last year, I realize I haven’t had much self-realization or introspection. If I’m being honest, I’ve been in survival mode. As anyone I’ve talked to in the last year will profess, four kids has been a trial. Going back to the baby stages after ten years of less exhausting teenagedom has left us exhausted and shocked. I tell myself daily to: “Get it together!” “Pull myself up by my bootstraps.” “This too shall pass.” “The days are long, as the years are short.” They’re called clichés for a reason, because they’re so true and applicable that they’re constantly repeated.

But I also have to give myself credit. Because as much as I’ve tried to survive, keep my head above water, I’ve also been able to grow.  Going out with friends at night, meeting at Nordy Cafe for lunches, pretty much anything social has really fallen by the wayside the last few years. Because when I have free time, I want to rest. Devoting time and energy to friendships has fallen off my to do list. This weekend: case in point. All this down time alone the last year- collected in snatches of time and without any consistency has been the time my soul has grown and made mental and emotional connections. Despite the physical craziness of my life, my spirit refuses to lie dormant I will evolve & I will progress despite it.

What I’ve realized this year, my 40th year of life:

1. People disappoint you. Sometimes it’s family members- the ones whose loyalty you took for granted- and those betrayals sting the most. But sometimes there’s nothing you can do to tie a pretty bow on top of the situation. Rifts in families are not always as simplistic as I once thought. A conversation can’t always resolve things. Family members, like all humans, have their own issues and idiosyncracies. You can’t fix crazy, dysfunctional, or deeply insecure. Family rifts are most often caused by individuals’ own hang ups. And as much as you may be ready to resolve them and rid yourself of that conflict, they may not be. So you have to sit back and wait. Wait until they are ready or until life presents the right time to straighten it out. Or get to the point where you truly wish them peace and love, but accept that a mended relationship is not necessary. You go on. You grow, you’re blessed, you press forward- with or without them. You accept what is. You let go of what can’t be, knowing your heart is pure and that your actions have been contrite and well-intentioned.
2. We are resilient. We will get through hard times, broken hearts, disappointments, and betrayals. Our kids are the same. They need to walk through these fires to grow in wisdom and strength so they can continue to face their trials with bravery and bounce back all the better. I used to try to fend off pain from my children. Let’s get real- I still do. But I’m trying not to. I’m trying to open the door to their pain and help them to learn from that circumstance and in that space. I hope to one day welcome hardship for them, as I understand it has the power to make them better people- it’s probably the only thing that does.
3. I’m forgiving myself each and every day for my shortcomings. I know my heart has love for almost everyone in my life. And for the ones I don’t readily feel affection for, I’m working on getting there. So that’s enough- that is good, and should be the goal. Love is the most important end game. And so when I fall short, which happens often, I remember that I try my hardest to love others. And so I can move past whatever mistake is in my way. I’m not perfect but where it counts, I think I’m there.
4. I don’t know what the future holds. And that’s finally alright. Because see number 3. I have so much love in my life, and that will get me through anything. Wonder makes life electric. It makes life grand. I welcome the unknown because life has shown me it’s endless, surprising, and extraordinary possibilities. And I can revel in the successes of others. Because their success is a tribute to this optimistic view of life’s gifts. Of course it’s hard- it’s brutal. Sometimes life’s offerings are crushing. But there’s also the sweet surprises that make the difficulties worth the taking.

I think in 2018 that I would like to continue forgiving, applying courage, and lifting the people in my life. I’m not going to make a list of resolutions, because they always seem so off the cuff and trite. And I already know deep within what it is my soul needs in order to progress. And I’ll figure it out. 2018 will send me the people and circumstances that will teach me what I need to know. And in my 40 years so far, I’ve figured it out and I’ve grown in the knowledge of that introspection. This year will be the same. So as unknown as the future may be, that will always be my constant- I will figure it out and it will become a part of ME.