Family.

I love my family deeply, as do most of us! But choosing to differentiate is proving to be too much for some family members to understand.

It is emotionally healthy to have boundaries.

It.is.okay.

I’m so grateful for the examples and knowledge of others to show us how it’s done.

“The.holistic.psychologist:

Family is everything for some people. And that’s a beautiful thing.

But, in my past, and in the lives of many people I’ve worked with “family is everything” is spoken as a mantra of self sacrifice. The undertone of the message is: do as we say.

Meaning, your needs and wellness comes second to the needs of a family unit. Or in many cases, one member’s desires for the family unit.

It’s no wonder that we have hundreds of years of secrets, dysfunction, shame and resentment.

If a member attempts to set boundaries, or focus on their own wellness it’s seen as betrayal.

This is codependency in action.

We are interdependent creatures. Our relationships are incredibly important, but so is our autonomy. Interdependence says, I can love you, I can be deeply connected to you, but I do not sacrifice or betray myself in order to gain this connection.

Being our authentic self, following our own life path, consciously choosing beliefs and values are part of the adult experience.

Yet, in many family this is discouraged. Growth or change is not valued because it threatens the “group think” of the family unit.

In interdependent relationships, there is always room for evolution. Even if it brings growing pains or shifts in the relationship dynamic.

In my perfect world, family is there to love us however we show up because there’s an overarching respect for one’s personal journey. No one would ever try to influence that because:

-People learn best from trying or living, not from the words, emotions, or pressures coming from others.

-We’re all imperfect. As Jesus said- Why do you see the mote in another’s eye and not the beam in your own? We should focus on our own lives.

If we truly love our family members, as is often the motivation we cite as to why we’d like them to change a path we’re uncomfortable with, love is absent. This kind of love is conditional.

Real familial love is being there without judgement for our family members. We wish them well, without judgement. We encourage them, without judgement. We respect their life path, without judgement.