The old lady holding hands with her senior citizen husband on the porch swing- they’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. We all let out a communal “awwwww”- wishing we could all have the commitment and adoration in our relationship that they have in their’s. I’ve learned that they have that mutual respect and appreciation because they’ve been together for 50 years. How many blow out fights, years that weren’t great between them, hardships they faced together, or times they both wanted to quit did they have those last 50 years? I can guarantee they are countless.

A therapist who’s a thought leader in his field once told me: A couple who never fights is not a couple without problems. It’s one party to that relationship that is always agreeing with the other, or making sure their needs are met without thought to their own. That individual is maintaining a relationship without any friction.

“Well isn’t that being selfless and charitable? Why is that a bad thing?” I asked.

“Because the person who’s always being catered to doesn’t know their partner’s heart. And that’s an inauthentic relationship.”

That was an “A-ha” moment for me. I started to look at disagreements and times of hardship in a relationship as good. Because that friction helps us to understand each other’s hearts more deeply. Rising from the proverbial ashes together in a relationship makes us both stronger and able to more successfully navigate choppy waters in the future.

 

There are so many things that drive me crazy about this man. Living with him day in and day out for the last 18 years has shown me some of my worst flaws- my impatience, propensity to complain, my unrealistic expectations, and my rebelliousness. His imperfections have certainly brought out all of mine. But seeing him sweetly gaze at our newborn baby, to watch him talk down a hormonal teenager to maintain peace in the home, or to throw his arms around a man at church who doesn’t come often and give him a genuine greeting: these are the moments that burn into my heart. All the other trivial annoyances seem ridiculous next to these precious instances.

We still have some complicated issues in our relationship, ones that make our lives less satisfying and that we work hard at resolving each and every day.

But there’s no one I’d rather work with on something so pivotal. It’s the most important work of our lives. And every minute that we spend on it, makes us both better and our relationship more iron-clad. The sweet old couples we see feeding each other or eating together at the Costco Food Court, they’re there 50 years later because they worked through the pain, because they focused on the beauty instead of the mundane, and because they never gave up. Never giving up is the superior effort in any relationship that’s made it to the final stretch.