I was born into a high-demand religion, much like the Jehovah’s Witnesses or Scientologists. When I was IN this religion, I would’ve scoffed at this comparison. But now that I’ve had a chance to think critically about it, there are an abundance of similarities.

Mormonism is unique from other Christianity, in that it is very works focused. In other words, you’re hustilin’ all day long to receive the grace of God. If I listed here in bullet points all that is required of you, to be a worthy Mormon in good standing, it would go on for pages and pages. But here’s a short list of some of the things that are required:

*Wearing the appropriate underwear all day and all night

*Abstaining from certain food and drink, common things such as excessive meat, coffee, and tea

*Going to two hours of church each week (for 40 years of my life, it was 3 hours), plus a weekly activity of some sort

*Paying 10% of your income, for life, no matter what, to the church

*Visiting with other members of the church for a few hours each month, doing service for them, and reporting it to leaders

*Studying scriptures each day

*Writing in your journal

*Going to the temple once a month for 5-6 hours

I’m going to stop there because I’m exhausted just writing it all down- Can you imagine having such a list hang over your head, all the time?

When I walked away from my religion, people in said religion were very concerned about me. Obviously my eternal life is now in question. They’re worried about that. But most were just very preoccupied with the quality of my life. How would I ever find peace? How would I raise my children without specific direction from on high? Wasn’t I fearful going into the scary world without “the truth”?

Here’s something I never knew in my 42 years as a Mormon. God is not trademarked by a church. That good feeling you have, the burning in the bosom if you will, that you work day in and day out to cultivate? No church owns that. I STILL feel that. All the time. I don’t know if God is a white male with a beard, a body of flesh and bone. But that’s ok. I believe there is a higher power. Yep, as vague as that.

But that ambiguity doesn’t take away from the peace and love I feel from that force when I seek it.

And seeking doesn’t mean wearing myself out with meetings or abstaining from eating for two meals (fasting) to feel it. I can feel it when I close my eyes. I can feel it after a night of drinking. It is always there, within me. And it brings me immense comfort and peace. I don’t have to do a darn thing to “earn” it. This truth WAS the most amazing thing about leaving Mormonism.

The relief I felt when I realized this, still feel, is indescribable. All those spiritual experiences I’d had in the church, that the church labeled and defined as their property. Not true. That power, love, and presence had been with me all along. They just claimed it as their’s. But every person has it in them. It’s why people can belong to so many religions and be happy. It’s why religions were created in the first place.

Man felt that power inside of him and he had to label it. We humans love labels. We feel safer when we can define something. Greedy men felt that power and wielded it to control others. Some started churches. It’s the common thread throughout all spirtuality today. And when I left Mormonism, it started to pulsate.

All the guilt, expectations, perfectionism was all gone. And I could bask in it. Not only that, I could get to know and appreciate who I am. Free of the labels, free of the constant hustle to prove to myself (and everyone else) that I was worthy, free of all the guilt and shame. I had to redefine what worthiness meant. I had to soul search to discover who I was without all the milestones around to reinforce an idea of worthiness, given to me by a church.

And what I found is that my self worth is right there, at the surface. i don’t have to earn it. It’s connected to that powerful feeling of God within I talked about earlier. Just by the mere fact that God is in me, that I can freely access that power, I knew I was enough.

I walk around with so much light, joy, love, and most of all, peace. Do I feel more fear now? In fact, I feel less. I’m no longer constantly scared that my husband isn’t doing enough to lead our family, no longer looking at my children and other family members and their choices with fear that we may not be together forever. The upheaval in society allows me to look for solutions and work towards legislation and other efforts that solve those societal problems. I have far less fear outside of Mormonism. Mormonism and it’s dogma created most of the fear I had in my life.

In Mormonism, we’d work so hard to feel that peace and escape uncomfortable feelings, like fear, sorrow, or anger. Every week at church we’d be told how we could be doing better, how we needed an atonement to make up for our ruinous selves and qualify for God’s love. It made us so innately insecure, so unworthy in our own minds. Out of desperation, we tried to appear to have it all together- be the stalwart church member with unshakeable faith, rarely expose our hardship or weakness because it’d become such a dark secret in our soul, anything to garner some worthiness. Even if it was as worthless and unimportant as someone’s opinion of us.

This eventually translated into feigning perfection in our very shallow appearances. We were desperate to find some peace in who we were, that we humanly started to grasp onto the outward things- our bodies, our homes, our children’s clothing, anything to seem as if we had it all together.

It was all so exhausting. It’s been wonderful to shed this pressure. It’s a huge part of what’s made leaving so joyous and freeing.

As far as raising our children, without a rigid checklist of all they need to become or we’ve failed as parents, I’d gladly tear that checklist up over and over again. Parenting is so much simpler now- I love them, love them fiercely. I accept who they are. I parent them with that acceptance, waiting for them to show me who that is. I listen so much more. Sure I give them parameters. But there’s so much trust now between us. They know they can share anything and we won’t be disappointed or concerned about their spiritual standing. We look at every decision now as a learning experience, not something that is negative or needing repentance.

Just like there’s freedom in our personal lives outside of Mormonism, there’s freedom in our parenting. And it’s so damn good on the other side of Mormon parenting. There’s real connection, honest unconditional love, and the space for each of us to be who we truly are. The masks are gone, the constant check-in’s to determine that they’re meeting all of our expectations are non existent, and the hovering fear that we’re not doing enough and of the unknown has been replaced. In it’s place is excitement for the great big, beautiful world that they get to be a part of. It’s anticipation of what they’ll choose, where they’ll go, who they’ll become.

So in short, I’m sorry people are worried about our happiness after Mormonism. Life is so good on this side. It’s wonderful, joyful and free. If I’m being honest, I’m worried about people in stringent, soul-crushing, appearance and works-obsessed religions. What you think is peace, is actually something already in you, that you don’t have to earn. Your religion isn’t giving that to you.

In fact, you’re carrying an impossible load. You’re walking around with so much unrealistic expectation for yourself, your children, your family. There’s so much self doubt, self loathing, so much unnecessary work. Walk away from it. You don’t need to carry this. Drop this load and just try life on the other side. You can always go back. That fear that’s welling up you in you right now, that fear is created by religion. Observe it.

But please take it from someone who’s been to both places. The world isn’t a scary place, it’s magnificent. You’re magnificent. And you can only know this when you put down all the labels, rules, doctrine, and judgements. God is simple. Love is within you. Peace is a decision away.