You appeared in my dreams last night. It was from a time long since passed- when you were aware, present, full of love and acceptance. There was no over-arching plan that either of us was bound to, no higher way to live, no need to blow up our lives. There was just friendship and laughter.

We were shopping, finding clothing we were both excited to newly wear. Our mutual power surprised and invigorated us. We went down this new path together, cheering each other on, reaching down to pick each other up if one of us fell down. But onward we went. That was the goal, onward.

You were the person I knew all those years, before the true trauma began. Before it ravaged our carefully-laid plans, and scared us into submission. It was so nice to see you again, the girl from a simpler time. Yes we weren’t yet awakened. Yes we were in closed systems. Yes we were embarking on a new journey- but it was together.

I realize it was all in the right timing. I’m not asking to go back. We are where we are. We’re doing the best we can. But your best is no longer good for me.

I’m shouting, yelling: I’m doing this for me. Waving my hands in the air. Please please believe me. Don’t feel hurt- I must walk this path alone. Please don’t walk away as I journey alone for a time.

It’s time to go inward. That little girl inside has said “Enough. Nothing will heal me- no outside source. It’s time for you to hear ME.”

No one is listening to my words. I knew before I raised the first hand. My inner knowing warned me;

They won’t be able to hear you. Their inner trauma rules the day. They will feel abandoned. When you chose yourself this day, you will lose it all. Lose them all.

Nevertheless, it must be done. I will continue to choose me. Over and over again. If you honor that, I choose you.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I’m sorry you perceive me to be the source of that hurt. But I won’t claim responsibility for your hurt. I said over and over what my heart had composed. You could not hear.

You’re doing your best. But it’s not good for me.

Thank you midnight moon for sending me your ghost last night, to visit me in my dreams. You kept appearing. You spent the entire night with me. It was wonderful to see you again. I miss you.